There is no such thing as a slut

This post has been altered since first published. See text in red for changes.

Image via etsy.com 

Slut

- noun (derogatory) 

1.       A woman who has many casual sexual partners.

How many is too many? Why does it refer to women only? Why is there no male equivalent?

I am tired of women who have ‘too much’ sex being called sluts. I’m tired of seeing my female friends made to feel bad about themselves for sleeping with ‘lots’ of men.* I am tired of my friends’ (casual or committed) partners shaming them because their number is ‘too high’.

There is no such thing as a slut.

Joey from Friends, Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl, Barney from How I Met Your Mother…you get the picture. These are some of TV’s most lovable characters and they all have sex with many women (sometimes more than one at a time). And yet I can’t ever recall them being vilified for this or accused of having ‘too much’ sex.

I think most people are aware of how gendered the term 'slut' is. And when pressed I’m sure many would agree that it’s not OK to police the number of sexual partners ‘appropriate’ for women just as we don’t do this with men.** And yet I constantly hear people (both men and women) use this term to shame women about the amount of men they have had sex with. (I also hear it reappropriated into a fun way like, ‘Hey slut, love that dress on you!’)

No more did I see slut shaming than when I lived at college (on-campus university accommodation). A lot of people had a lot of sex at college, and there was an interesting contrast in the way male and female students were perceived in doing this.

I witnessed many of the men talk about their female co-boarders—most of whom were their friends—in a way that suggested these women were doing something wrong in having ‘numerous’ sexual partners. Words like ‘easy’, ‘skanky’, and ‘slutty’ were thrown around. And despite these men also having numerous sexual partners (although often less than their female friends) they never spoke about themselves or each other in this way. At times I also noticed a tone of jealousy or injustice; these girls were having ‘too much’ sex and they weren’t having enough.

I also witnessed the women slut shaming themselves (but rarely each other)***. This was particularly common the day after a sexual encounter. Although understandable given the way society treats women and sex, this always made me a bit sad. You wanted to have sex and you found someone else who wanted to as well. Kudos. I would have loved for these women to feel like they could own it and their friends support them in doing so.

All the research in the world points to the best sexual health outcomes being associated with education on safe sexual practices and NOT stigmatising women and men about their sexual choices. There is no right or wrong amount of people to have sex with. There is no such thing as a woman sleeping with ‘too many’ men. There is no such thing as a slut.

Kate xx

*I refer to heterosexual women because I personally have not yet encountered a woman who has been slut shamed for sleeping with too many women. Please feel free to share your experience.

**I acknowledge that many men feel pressured to have slept with whatever is more than ‘too few’ women. However, this (partly) stems from patriarchal notions about women and their bodies needing to be ‘pure’ and ‘virginal’ and men needing to be experienced. This of course makes no sense because you can’t get ‘experience’ if women aren’t ‘allowed’ to sleep with you.  

***After posting this a good friend of mine pointed out the following:

"Love it. It's also interesting, after reading this and heaps of other things over the past year, that I've realised that I call myself a "slut" in a joking way so I can take the power of the word away from people who would use it against me. At least I think that's why I do it. But also because it's so fun to talk about the embarrassing stories of my early 20's."

This is such an important point that I completely missed. When women use this word to describe themselves (and sometimes each other) it isn't necessarily an act of self-policing or shaming but rather a way to change the meaning of the word.