On finishing my PhD with a baby and the things that helped

When I started my PhD in 2013 I envisioned the finish line to be in 3 years’ time. I would submit my printed copies to the graduate research office, get my balloon, and have my partner take a photo of me. Then we would go out for a celebratory dinner with friends and consume much celebratory wine.

Four and a half years later I submitted online, at home, and in my pyjamas. And then my partner, toddler and I had a celebratory dance party in the living room (pictured above). I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

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About a month before I submitted I was yet again trapped in a dark room waiting for my little one to fall asleep when it struck me just how close I was to it all being over. And just how hard it had been to get there.

With my son’s warm hand wrapped around mine, I thought of how I had worked with my laptop on the ironing board while rocking him to sleep in the carrier, read papers while holding him as he slept and/or fed, worked most nights even when I was desperate for sleep (especially for the eight months where I lived off 3-4 hours of broken sleep a night), cried frustrated tears when he wouldn’t nap and I desperately needed the time to work, and of all the weekend fun I had missed while being at the office or in a library.

Doing a PhD is hard. Having a baby is hard. The two together is HARD.

Maybe it wouldn’t have been so hard if my partner wasn’t also doing his PhD (hello, constantly empty bank account). Or if we had of had family nearby to help. Or if I didn’t have a chronic disease. Or if our baby hadn’t been sick for those eight months. We played the cards we were handed and never forgot how privileged we are in so many ways.

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I’m proud of my thesis and the research I conducted for it. I learnt so much about what it is to be a woman in this world in the almost five years it took me to complete it. If I were to go back in time I wouldn’t change a thing.

The following are the big things that helped me to complete my thesis while making and then caring for my little human.

My PhD was a family priority

We arranged our lives in such a way to give me the best chance of finishing my thesis. For example, my partner took the baby to do our groceries while I worked and once the baby was in bed for the night (ha ha ha) he would do any housework that needed to be done so I could go straight to my desk. As women we’re expected to do these things for our (male) partner but rarely is it expected that our partner do these things for us. (One of the many great things that came from this was that my partner got to spend more one-on-one time with our son and their relationship is better for it.)

Having fellow PhD mums

I have two friends who also have young children and are finishing their PhDs. Their late night Facebook messages of support, in-person venting at (rare) social gatherings, and just their very presence were lifesavers. Knowing I wasn’t alone in this pursuit was a great source of comfort and motivation. (There are also lots of great PhD mums on Instagram [search #phdmum/#phdmom] and PhD parents in the PhD and early career researcher parents Facebook group.)

Learning when to push and when to pull back

If I took a day off every time I was tired I was never going to get my PhD done. If I forced myself to work every day no matter what I would burn out and not get my PhD done. Learning to find a balance between pushing myself to work as hard as I could and to pull back when life had thrown too many other things at me was hard. To be honest, I never got the hang of it completely—I rarely had ‘me’ time (I really need to exercise)—but I at least never pushed myself so hard that I broke. My partner was helpful for this too by reminding me to take a break when I needed it.

Working around minimal childcare

For reasons that are beyond the scope of this post, we didn’t want to put our son into a childcare centre. We also had no family nearby who could have helped out. When my son was one we had a fantastic shared nanny arrangement with friends who lived across the road in the same position as us (baby the same age and mum finishing her PhD). Unfortunately they moved interstate but we continued to have a nanny as it worked well for us. However, it is expensive; we could only afford to have a maximum of 8 hours per week. So I worked in naps, at nights and on weekends. (See this blog post by a PhD mum with four kids and no childcare!!) Learning to work in small bursts was vital for me: working in five one hour naps = 5 hours of work but waiting for a long chunk of time to work = 0 hours of work. (Some academic writing gurus argue that everyone would benefit from working like this!)

If you’re reading this as a PhD mum or parent, good luck! You have got this. And when you don’t l hope your village—however small it may be—picks you back up again and is cheering for you at the finish line.

Kate xx

This is the fourth post in Kate's PhD & Pregnancy series. See here for the whole series.